National Day

It will be our nation's 42nd National Day in 2 days time. I caught the preview on Saturday at the Esplanade Bay. They constructed the entire stage on the water, and the performances consisted of precisely choreographed military maneouvres, waves of school children, absent digital effects (only to be shown on the actual day itself), and a bizzare little "integral sub-plot" consisting of 3 clueless-looking boys on blades.

Yes, the new songs were adequate, but what stirred me and all the spectators most was when they finally got all that nonsense out of the way and did a medley of the themes everyone grew up on: Count On Me Singapore, Stand Up For Singapore, We Are Singapore, and of course, the pledge in song. By then, it was already dark and the stage was incandescent with lasers and lights, mirroring the entire skyline of the city across the bay.

Exactly 20 years ago my parents took me to the parade at the Indoor Stadium. Back then, it was almost 3 hours long (now its 2), and all we had for pyrotechnics were the fireworks and our AA-operated glowsticks, but my tiny 7 year-old heart swelled with nationalistic fervour.

Now, although I still feel proud of Singapore's achievements, I am no longer sure if I'm proud of being Singaporean. I know many people around me, some of whom are dear, who are constantly fighting for so many things which should be improved. I have opted for the easier route, to blend in facelessly into that multitude of white and red. I don't think about it; I just try to enjoy the show.

How do I convince myself that this is a contentment of utter dread?